Very good writing, I especially liked the fact that you maintained the accents in the dialogue which isn't exactly easy to do all the time. the only thing i recommend is that you go back and expand a bit more on the story itself. the chapters are a bit on the short side and if you place it in the context of size 14 arial which is standard for paperback books, you'll see it only comes out to about 2 or 3 pages. however, you have a great concept for the story and i would love to see how it plays out and where you take it from here.

Hey Thanks!!! Yes the first few chapters are very short ones. You will find as you progress that the chapters get larger and larger as I go deeper into the story. One thing I will most probably do is either expand some as you recommend or re title some along with combining two of the smaller chapters together.

And yes it does get difficult at times keeping the accents, especially when I get into parts where people from different countries are talking to each other lol.

You can find all the chapters in order here....
[link]

Thanks again for the great input, I appreciate your great suggestions, since I have never written before, I can use constructive criticism.

Regards!!!

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My music Videos for The Low Road on Youtube... [link]

No problem, I actually have been writing since i was 14 but i only began the concept for my story about two years ago. So despite my age, i feel like i have a significant amount of experience under my belt. I will continue to read your work if you will keep reading mine. In the next couple days I am going to upload the rest of the work i have. Everything up to what i have so far is about the equivalent of about 1/4 of my total work and the early chapters are about 4 or 5 pages shorter than the later ones.

i actually have a couple chapters that are between 15 and 20 pages and i think you will like some of the monsters i've come up with and some of the battles i have. i mean, come on, there's a monster that looks like a diamond but has ethereal tentacles that pulls people that look at it into it and devours them to grow. originally it was the size of a fist, but when it is introduced, it's a quarter mile in diameter so it has devoured A LOT of people.

keep up the good work.

"I will continue to read your work if you will keep reading mine."

Of course! That is the way it should be!!!

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My music Videos for The Low Road on Youtube... [link]

of course, i hope you guys had fun at lenix today, frog was working on my gun and i might be out there sometime in the next couple weeks.

also, forward me to some of your friends that you think would be interested. TY

Great job on this! My only advice is to expand it some.

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"Alright, the obvious, I am a guy, you are a girl, You are a Yank, I am a Canuck- and then: You are "Nice, sweet and whatnot" and I am "Violent, cynical bastard" You dont like drinking alcohol and I love it, You are Christian, I am... something..." -Dozer

Advice taken, I will go back to it once I get the overall thing finished.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.

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My music Videos for The Low Road on Youtube... [link]

I love how you write. The only thing is that thruout is not a word. The rest is absolutely perfect. I love the history and work you put into this. Bravo!

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"If it's not Baroque. Don't fix it."

Yep I need to go back though this one on spelling, and some want me to expand, Honestly I didn't want to turn this into a kind of Harry Potter thing going through Brian's school years. My intent was to give the reader enough information to see Brian and Marien become friends and then as they grow together the reader see's their friendship grow into Love for one another.

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My music Videos for The Low Road on Youtube... [link]

Well you did a good job at that then! Jumped right into their friendship and made us all enjoy the ride. I'd like to say that I like how you kept the schooling to a minimum and focused on their friendship. It helps the readers know what to focus on.

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"If it's not Baroque. Don't fix it."